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asperger’s, behcet’s, rants, raves, life, love n’ me

21 nov 2009 – leaving

12:31am it says now… soon, she will be leaving… she will miss the quiet stillness of the mountain, the moonglow that wakes her up at night, shining bright onto her face, the sound of the wind… and memories of him… he wld text her ’round midnight… a massage?… a drink?… he wld come to her and she’d welcome him, knowing by then that he was using her, just merely using her and nothing else… because she loved him deeply… no matter how tired she was, she’d pretend she was fine, at times summoning all her strength to ease his knotted muscles… the room, small, tiny, a mirrored wardrobe next to the bed reflected her love… once things got a little wild, she didnt want to do what he wanted, they wrestled, he pinned her down and forced himself, she cried, he stopped, and he was angry… was he angry with her or with himself?… she didnt wait to find out, she turned to him and pretended again that she was fine, she even cajoled him out of his dark mood, threw her arms around him… she didnt want him to be angry… the perfect victim of her own folly… and indeed he blamed her in the end… he blamed everything that went wrong – and it was ALL wrong anyway – on her… not himself… and this nightmare finally ended, 2 years and a few months it ran like a bad twisted tv serial, bizarre and painful… but she ended it – she told the truth… he didnt want her to… but in the end she made the choice, to save whatever fragment of sanity she may hv left… and he hates her for that till this day… and so, she is leaving at last… this cemetery of decay… old bones… burnt hay… goodbye room… goodbye house… but can she ever bid goodbye to her memories?

and she whispers into the unhearing darkness: will u ever ever understand what u hv put me thru?… but she knows the answer, she always knew… no…

xxxlicious

i recently came across the website and facebook page of someone calling herself “xxxlicious”… i presume she means to suggest that she is somehow of the ‘delicious’ or ‘delectable’ ilk?… ah, how cutesy… a budding young ‘artist/designer’ who claims in her website to hv won a plethora of prizes but mysteriously enough none of those prizes were named… well, i say ‘young’ but really i hv no idea exactly HOW young / old, as she won’t tell… it’s all so hush hush…(i hv always viewed with suspicion women – or men – who are coy about their real ages… there must be something very pathetic and lacking deep down inside, beneath the patent veneer of confidence)…

but, back to miss “xxxlicious”… she recently held a solo exhibition in downtown soho… and my favourite among the many photos (posted all over facebook), showing this delightful creature prancing around like a baboon on heat in various stages of drugged drunkenness, is a close shot of her bent over in a tawdry pornographic pose, showing off a rather huge bottom wrapped in a pair of cheap bright red tights, head turned back, flashing a wide skanky grin… and… glaringly clear beneath the tarty material of her bright red tights were the white tag (from the cheap tights) and an ugly unglamorous pantyline for all to gawk at… (yes and she is in all appearances very proud of this photograph mind!)

for goodness’ sake, honey, didn’t mama tell u never to show off ur pantyline, especially if it is a cheap pair of knickers? (take a lesson from the edison chen saga – girls, never ever be caught in compromising positions in ugly cheap underwear PUHLEEESE!!)

not surprisingly, miss xxxlicious’ paintings on show are all brightly coloured renditions of flowers infused with human sexual organs and various re-interpretations of human copulation… one piece even features a detail of a couple of bees in the act… ok, but nobody really expects gustav klimt or even georgia o’keefe here… and hey, some ppl may hv been happy to pay the listed price tag of $7,000 for these works of high art… who knows?…
but she is not to blame… a hotch potch of tragic comedies all mixed into one huge rancid cauldron of sex, lies, and cheap games… and voila! she is led to think that she is good enough to eat?… mais oui!… hence the extension of her name ‘xxxlicious‘… well, beauty must be in the eye of the beholder… for this delectable young (or wanna be young) creature is (has been already? i hv been outa touch, thank goodness for that!) highly favoured by a rather respected and truly talented middle aged musician… valued enough to be his prized dog let loose for over a year in his own neighbourhood barking her head off, chatting up the neighbours, inviting people to his place for tea anyway (with his longsuffering wife and child living just two apartment blocks away, very very reckless i daresay)… and here we hv it in his own words: “i don’t care what she is or who she is, she’s a DAMN GOOD FUCK!” …

there in a nutshell thus we hv it dont we? yep… enough said!

20 nov 2009 – lesson

learnt a good salutary lesson this morning… received an angry email from a very beloved and respected musician friend abt some careless words of mine, which i had written in response to his previous email containing a short music file which he wanted to share with me… my words were uttered in a selfish hurry to take the stage and hence i had failed to acknowledge and fully appreciate his act of sharing and opening up to me… and they were mistaken as ignorant criticism of his work… which was NOT what i meant…

the artist’s ego is a monumental one indeed… as is the ego of all talented people… but we shd not let it get in the way of our personal growth and the relationships which matter to us…

i suspect my friend is also an aspie, and hence has difficulties communicating and relating, just like i do… i must be more careful and aware of my words next time… just as i was so upset over that female artist’s stupid dumbass lofty pompous criticisms of other ppl’s art, i too must beware that i do not fall into the same horrible error… which is all too easy to do really…

it is not our stupid remarks that condemn us, really, it is the lack of humility to ADMIT our gaffs that make us utter fools… that episode with the female artist is still so gratingly vivid in my mind and the fact that she never tried to make amends nor ever admit her mistake shows me that her pride has blinded her to her folly…

and so, horrified that i shd fall into the same black hole of the insatiable artistic ego, i humbly apologised for my stupid selfish impetuous thoughtless response to his precious sharing – i admitted the truth to him, that i was insensitive and in a hurry to share MY OWN artistic fantasies… how silly… but i refuse to allow my stupidity to turn into heinous folly – and sincere, humble apology is a step in the right direction…

whirring

listening to the whirring of my mini fan heater… i hate the heater, it gets so dry, my throat hurts, but i also hate the extreme wet cold urrrrgh… too many thoughts clanging around in my head again… the curse of asperger’s? very akin to madness for sure…

i got some chocolate today at godiva… i remember the time i was there with veronica and i bought her a bag of chocs… i really like veronica… wish i’d met her before i ever met him… it wasnt my fault, he’d lied abt veronica to me, i never found out till it was too late… but it was indeed my fault that, when i had finally met veronica, i complied with his demand to fabricate a story and i lied to veronica abt my past with him… but i just cld not carry on with the subterfuge and utter blatant disrespect of lying to the face of someone has lovely as veronica, and so i confessed… my apology was for lying to her, and not for my past with him, because i did not know the truth abt her at the time… and i hv never once regretted telling her the truth ever since…

how can u live with lying lying lying to the face of someone u respect?… i asked this question many times… i asked him… and i also asked little miss talented artist… but both cld not give me any answer… becos they live that way – they think nothing of lying to the face of ppl whom they say they respect… they say it is in the name of protecting that person from hurt, and of social politeness… how twisted…

and him?… veronica said something very profound – he has no emotional honesty… how true… how cld he say “i love u darling pie” to someone’s face and allow that someone to believe wholeheartedly in his words while he just played his own little game of “fantasy”?… hmmmm…

urrrrgh… it’s getting pretty hot… if only this silly heater cld be more regulated… ah well, at the price i paid, i shd not complain… it has served me well thru 2 winters already… how time flies… and i still dont kw for sure whether i wld accomplish what i came here to do after all this that’s happened to me… i feel as if i hv lost all ability to dream… my beloved little swallow said he hopes i will find back that spunky kid he once knew before this nightmare came upon me… i hope so too…

ok time to fiddle with that darned heater… whirring whirring whirring…

relief

overwhelmed by the move… suddenly stopped in my tracks while putting things away, realised that i wld be leaving this place probably for good… and then felt a sense of relief and release… i reminded myself to be thankful that since he left the neighbourhood, left my block, i need not be afraid of coming and going anymore, never wld his skank bother me again in the vicinity of my own home… funny how i’d paid such a high price to be in this place and in the end i never enjoyed it at all, always locked in fear… my hair still stands in horror at the memory of that skank turning up at my door, high on drugs and alcohol, giggling loudly and boasting how good in bed she is and how she had him eating out of her hand… well she did indeed, for a time anyway… a long enough time to cause me irreparable damage… sometimes i wonder hv i gone completely starkers after this experience?… i dont kw… i m hanging in there… but grateful that this monster is out of my life… a great relief indeed… good riddance poison ivy! (in any case, he now has a rather chubby bimbo called celine or cecilia or some such name – or perhaps that is only one of many of his bimbos… poor veronica, how horrible her nightmare must be, still playing out after 2 decades, and perhaps continue to play until their child grows up? another relief – i need never be locked into such hopelessness… i m free… or am i?…)

wordman

“i am not a word person”, he likes to say… but for someone claiming not to be a man of words, his words – many many words – hv all left indelible scars behind… “i love u, darling pie” still echoes mockingly in the head, like a dancing jangling skeleton, bits of rotten flesh still hanging onto joints and crevices, flapping with sick morbid insouciance… and today, on the way home, this skeleton fell out of the closet yet once more… not at all delectable huh?

a sobre lesson for all with asperger’s – whatever u do, make all effort to guard ur heart against trusting and believing too literally in what ppl say, cos they seldom ever ever mean what they say… he didn’t… and i learnt this the hard way…

loopy loops

the mind of an aspie is a strange thing… while not all of us hv super IQs like bill gates or einstein, almost all of us ruminate obsessively – a good and bad trait which has led to research breakthroughs as well as mental breakdowns!

so here i m ruminating… more like obsessively playing back sequences, loopy loops as i call them, in my head… over and over again…

she blamed me for veronica’s so-called ‘disappearance’… she said veronica is a sensitive person (in a slightly negative sense) who wld remember a grudge… but that is not the veronica i hv experienced… she said she is “worried” abt veronica… she says they are ‘friends’…

yet

she never just called her ‘friend’ to say hello, she allowed her ‘friend’ to disappear without a word from her… no sms, no email – at all… preferred instead to berate me albeit in carefully contrived sweet gentle feminine tones abt my telling veronica the trut- an aspie can see thru it when a person pretends to ‘humour’ me… i dont like her brand of cutesy sarcasm – c’mon baby, we’re all adults… if veronica was ur friend in the way u said she was, why didnt u bother to even call her to ask her how she is doing – or r u afraid she might ask for some favour / errand etc…?

eureka

hot milo+soya milk+baileys = an eureka moment!

i spent thousands of dollars buying up tickets to his show, even while his sick twisted ex-bitch was torturing me left right and centre, i was telling everyone i knew how great his work is, giving tickets away to the uninitiated, making sure they turned up… twice he asked me for money, and i gave… not little at all… my widow’s mite… i was naive, he called me “friend” but not once did he hv a meal with me, not even a drink… and he wanted me to pretend we didnt even know each other… what ‘friendship’ is this? how naive of me not to realise until too late… how cld i hv carried on believing his words when he’d said he loved me then later told me it was just a fantasy? and then after that he said he was my ‘friend’ – how cld i hv believed him again and again? ah, yes, i still berate myself for that… 2 years of crippling agony later, tens of thousands of dollars poorer, buried under a deluge of reverberating verbal abuse and condemnation, even now, as i pick up the pieces and find my feet and my dreams again, i m still promoting his work, his artistry, actively, to those i think may be of use of help to him… becos i believe in it… and i respect him still, as an artist, as a talent, and his sincerity to make good changes to the scene… but he will never know… and even if he knew, it wld make no difference to him… he is such a well known figure in his own right, why wld he need or even appreciate my vehement promotion of him?… and… those last words of his to me, so filled with venom, still trickle hot in my ear…

but nay i m no hero… i hv lost nothing compared to veronica… 19 years of her life she has known him, she bore him a child, a beautiful wonderful child who looks hauntingly like him, like her, linking them both together for as long as she lives, a testimony of momma’s tragic folly and dada’s sad ironic pathetic inability… he says he loves his sweet baby, but despite all his talent, he has no idea what love and commitment is… veronica is the true hero here… and my heart wrenches for her…

that voluptuous babe in the corner of the room, cheap dyed hair tied back in a ponytail, eyes glazed over in boredom, picking on her nails and biting bits off, looking quite the sore thumb to anyone who had any powers of observation at all (but all in that room were too engaged in discussion abt loftier things than looking out for a bimbo awaiting a shag for the night)… waiting waiting waiting…

but my guess is if anyone asked him, he wld say that the bimbo has one thing that veronica and i both don’t have… he wld say what all men wld say, be they men of great talent or utter idiots, “she is uncomplicated”… and, in his own words abt another one of his sluts, “i don’t care what she is, she’s a damn good fuck!”…

eureka!

18 nov 2009 – brrrr

brrrr it has been cold here the last two days… had the heater on all night and through the day when at home… tiring day… worked on some writing, then hacked away at the details for the planned move, got all togged up to get out… the bust was crowded and oh so stuffy, i became very hot and bothered, not just from the lack of fresh air and the physical heat of so many human bodies squashed into a small space, but also from the effort of quelling rising panic due to the assault to my senses – bodies pressed against each other, horrible disgusting smells (why oh why do ppl not wash?) – someone was even eating garlic french fries! i truly felt like puking… AND screaming… then lo and behold i arrived at the lecture and the room was chock full of ppl… the girl in front of me smelled like yesterday’s rotting leftovers, and the lady in front of her was coughing and blowing her nose like a virulent germbag… repulsive is a mild word – i cld not concentrate on the lecture, i spent the next one and a half hours trying to quell yet again another panic attack…

tired out by the time i reached home… brrrr

sullied beauty

when a beautiful woman begins to speak in foul language and make ridiculously stupid and nasty remarks, when she does something that goes against others’ expectations of her beauty – when her inner beauty does not match her outer beauty – then it is sullied in the eyes of observers and even admirers…

when a brilliant talented artist begins to speak in pompous criticism of others’ art and artistry – undaunted even after being roundly told off to only speak when in possession of full knowledge and training of the others’ art – then the same happens… disappointment, progressing to disgust and repulsion…

and yes aspies are obsessive… i hv tried to put my repulsion for her out of my mind… unsuccessfully… even the memory of her smell now makes me feel nauseous and sick to the core… the way she wears her hat, the way she sips her tea, the memory of all that, i wish cld be taken clean away from me…

why do artists find it so hard to put down their monumental egos and just sit back and enjoy or just respect one another’s work in the wide open world of ‘art’ – which includes all disciplines and forms within those disciplines…???? sad… this ‘friend’ of mine is a brilliant artist in her own right… but her lack of humility has revealed her lack of intellect and depth… and all her other faults once so easily overlooked hv become magnified under the telescope of puffed up pride…

sullied beauty… is pathetic and sad…